When i first was diagnosed in the late summer of 2013, I jumped instantly on google and ended up finding the worst reports and studies. I found loads of articles regarding ‘ why you shouldn’t employ people with personality disorders’, ‘why everyone with bpd is manipulative’ and my firm favourite a study finding ‘8/10 people diagnosed with BPD end up taking their own lives’.
Great stuff, Google provides for a newly diagnose’y.
On one hand, it was good to be told that yes i fit the criteria for this disorder and i finally now know why i had such a troubled growing up experience.
But on the other hand, it was very overwhelming. The information google provided was demeaning and the communities i found with BPD had this ‘only inclusive if we decide you’re sick enough’ approach. Thankfully over the years I found some lovely accounts on tumblr that lead me to a really inclusive and warm community. I also started my instagram called bpd_banter, where I received such a lovely and warm response from so many people and made some really good interweb friends ❤
To be diagnosed with BPD aka Borderline Personality Disorder, you have to meet 8 or 9 characteristics.
These include:
- You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
- You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
- You don’t have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you’re with.
- You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- You feel empty a lot of the time.
- You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
- You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
- You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
- When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
* Copied from Mind, because they outline the characteristics the most kindly.
With A LOT of therapy, I now only identify with 7 characteristics, and I’ve become a lot more self aware in that I can now distinguish what is ‘ bpd behaviour ‘ and what are my thoughts.
Its pretty hard when you’re newly diagnosed, because you can end up thinking you are your disorder and thats it. And as BPD lies a lot with identity, it can be even harder to find the space between ‘my disorder’ and ‘who i am ‘.
I had a real hard time with accepting it in the beginning. I was excited because – Yay, id found my box, id found something that was finally an explanation for who i am. And i was so excited, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I was attending a performing arts course at college at the time, and I remember telling my tutors of my diagnosis and I still remember their reaction. One, who i thought was understanding, just said ” well what do you want me to do about it ” and it was there and then, that I realised some things are better off unsaid.
I did however have a lot of depression after my diagnosis and ended up being very suicidal and my mum had that awful experience of having to take me to A&E, twice. An emergency room’s waiting area is not a nice place for people with a mental illness, I’ll just say that.
There is this not very nice medical thing with turning people away who are in absolute distress because they don’t deem you as ‘sick enough’. I was told by a nurse that my self injury cuts were ‘not deep enough’. For the most vulnerable, this is what i believe to be an awful deep loophole of a lack of medical treatment AND most importantly acknowledgement towards the mentally ill. Yes, you cannot see mental illness. But telling an anorexic that they are ‘ not thin enough’ or a self injurer that their wounds are ‘not deep enough’ is so awful because it just encourages that person to do the worst to themselves.
Theres a whole thing in our society where we belittle people who are attention seekers and time and time again, people with mental health disorders are treated as just that, an attention seeker. I mean is giving attention to someone who really needs it, a bad thing? I certainly don’t think so.
I think out of family members, my dad understood it right away. He’s always been very good with mental health and to this day he helps me distinguish between BPD thoughts and myself. My brother, who i had a difficult relationship with growing up, was quite harsh about it. I still don’t think he really understands what it is to this day. My mum is extremely supportive but I think BPD confuses her to this day. In fact she has on many occasions confused it with PPI xD
Its not a straight forward condition and I don’t tell a lot of people. I’ve confided deeply in two of my close friends about it and they are very understanding.
Because there is still a lot of misinformation about personality disorders out there, there is mixed opinions and prejudice which i’ve found comes a lot from the psychology community.
A little side story, when I first met one of my good friends last summer, I rather drunkenly ended up confiding in her on the first meeting of my diagnosis. (which guys, is not advised- bpd trait of oversharing coming in ) She paused immediately and than looked at her other friend and said ” We don’t trust people with BPD.” It was a very odd conversation that followed. She then said ” A lot of people with BPD are unregulated and manipulative, which I should know as I’ve studied psych” which this was the first time I had experienced the prejudice up front. I swore to my mum, I wouldn’t see her again. But then we started talking and then ended up being very good friends. For my own self care, I put space between my friendships, esp when some people have such dominant opinions- but more on friendship on another post.
Last summer, I noticed a lot of news outlets were reporting stories involving people who were diagnosed. And I think those stories did more harm for the community than good. One girl I remember was labelled naive and vulnerable, and another ‘ a bit strange’ and then comments upon comments were of that, of misinformation.
Sometimes theres the gift of not many people knowing what it is. I certainly haven’t wrote a post about it on my instagram for reasons of not wanting everyone to know. Also my instagram is public and if I swap instagrams with a guy I’m interested in, I don’t want him to know until I’ve decided its the right time to tell him.
Now, five years on from my diagnosis, I currently am in music therapy with the NHS, which isn’t that great ( we can blame the tories for that one). When I was in full time employment before, I was able to part afford a private holistic therapist. She helped me incredibly and I feel like she really helped clear up a lot of the mist and put me on the journey of finding my worth and self love. However now, because I don’t work (i will write a post on that soon) I simply cannot afford it. I absolutely hate how there is a money only access situation with mental health treatment esp specialists. The treatment available on the NHS, esp where I live, is so minimal. Again let us hold the Tory Government responsible for that one.
lots of love and blessings,
thiccsy
thiccsy 